Thursday, December 02, 2004

If You're Stupid And You Know It

So I have enjoyed torturing myself by reading bitter liberal editorials and checking hippie Hollywood celebrity websites and the like since the election - hey, it's entertainment, and a great way to avoid studying for finals.

Now, I'm sure that we all heard about the alleged voter suppression tactics employed by conservatives to keep black voters from the polls on election day (most infamously in Milwaukee). I never got an actual look at the flyer that was purportedly circulated in those communities until the lefties started crying foul after Kerry and the Dems were raped by the Repubs on election night, and copies of it made their way online. I have excerpted some of the language that flyer allegedly contained:

"If you've ever been found guilty of anything, even a traffic violation, you can't vote in the presidential election."
"If anybody in your family has ever been found guilty of anything you can't vote in the presidential election."
"If you violate any of these laws, you can get ten years in prison and your children will get taken away from you."

Now, I know this is a sensitive subject for many civil rights goobers and whatnot, but may I offer that if someone is stupid enough to believe this flyer, his vote SHOULD be suppressed?

I know there is a Supreme Court case outlawing reading tests as a voter qualification tool. And I know that this alleged suppression tactic harkens back to the 60s and the unacceptable acts that were perpetrated on blacks during that time. But if you can look at a flyer laying in the gutter of your 'hood that says what the flyer I have seen online says and think it is an official US government document, I really don't think your voice ought to be heard. I would prefer you get a job at a factory someplace (here or overseas - I'd be fine with exporting our stupids to Guatemala or somewhere) and make me and all my smart friends shoes or Coke cans or whatever, and just keep your interactions with the intellectually normal populace to a minimum, thank you. I'd even go so far as to say that perhaps the election laws should be altered so that whoever stupid people vote for is the loser - clearly, they are not equipped to choose appropriately, and so the rest of us who are capable of simultaneous thought and motion should take their opinions as indication of what NOT to do.

A friend pointed out to me the other day that the stupidest people tend to be Democrats; I think he's right. I pointed out to him that the smartest people also tend to be Democrats; the party has a lock on both Manhattan and Compton. So, my opinion is clearly disproportionately anti-Democrat. Therefore, I'd like to clarify that I do not consider myself to be a Republican; I think righties who bomb abortion clinics should be on the same boat to Guatemala. I just think that politics is inherently somewhat like evolution, and if you're so stupid as to select yourself out of the process, then we're all the better for it. Now, if we could just figure out how to make stupid people stop reproducing . . .

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Make Austin Normal

This is an old rant, but my fury is renewed every day. I go to school in Austin, Texas. It's something like living in Berkley, California, circa 1969. The big thing around here is "Keep Austin Weird." Keep Austin Weird t-shirts. Keep Austin Weird hemp skirts. Keep Austin Weird hula-hoops. And, of course, Keep Austin Weird bumper stickers. It's supposed to be like an anti-corporate, anti-homogenous, anti-establishment thing. I think it's just anti-common sense.

How about you make Austin a little more normal? How about you scoop your stank hobo ass off the drag and get a job? Starbucks is probably hiring. Too corporate for you? Wear a tanktop with those hairy armpits - then everyone will think you're alternative. How about you take all those f-ing hippie political bumper stickers off your damn ride? "Keep your rosaries out of my ovaries"? I'm not even Catholic, but I wish the Pope would come over here and catch you upside your damn head. "Subvert the dominant paradigm"? What does that even mean? If you're a real hippie, aren't you supposed to be driving a bike?

My latest rage is spurred by the newest infuriating wave to sweep Austin: that damn yellow LiveStrong bracelet. It's supposed to be in support of cancer survivors, or research, or who knows what. But people around here are making the online donation only so people will see them rocking the thing and think they're cool. Oh, wow! You must be best buddies with Lance Damn Armstrong to have gotten one of those! The bracelets are even on E-bay now - so you can purchase the cool factor without all of that pesky societal contribution crap. Genius! The next person I see with that damn yellow rubber band on is getting kicked in the face.

This LiveStrong bullshit is nothing new, but I saw a piece on TV the other day about how the fad is now sweeping the entire nation. So it's no longer just an Austin phenomenon - the whole country has officially gone hippie. I ask you: if Austin is supposed to be so into keeping itself weird, and so anti-homogenous and anti-establishment, then how is it that the city's biggest export in recent years (aside from the President, who clearly does not bear Austin's stamp of approval) is an exclusivist, readily apparent, meaningless status symbol?

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Ground Rules

Alright, so it's been a couple weeks and this thing hasn't been deleted from the annals (look it up, Sporty - it's got nothing to do with ass) of the internet, so here I am posting again. Yippee.

Feel free to read my shit - I may make it a goal to write something once a week. Feel free to post to my shit - I may make it a goal to look at this thing once a week. I reserve the right to edit (both you and me) for spelling, grammar, punctuation, and style. HEY - this is my little - suck it up and go with it or get the hell out.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

F Computers

I hate computers. I don't understand them. A [former] friend of mine talked me into getting this internet thing together. We'll see how long it lasts. For now, go find internet porn, and send me any especially good pictures and/or videos you may find. I don't know how you'd do that, but I presume, if you've found your way here on your own, you do.